Crap Joke No.83840370

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PJayBe
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by PJayBe »

I've just seen that The Taking Of Pelham 123 is on TV later. Do I need to have watched the first 122 to follow the story.....
droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

A police officer pulls over a car with two priests in it.

They lower the window and the cop says "Sorry to have pulled you over, it's just we are are looking for two child molesters"

The priests look at each other for a moment and turning back to to the cop say "Yeah OK sure, we'll do it".
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town’s register.

His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, " I must have taken Leif off my census."
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jason
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason »

I've been married for 25 years now and my wife still really thinks I'm sexy. Every time I walk past her I hear her say under her breath " What an ass! "
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason »

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Summer Dreamer
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Summer Dreamer »

I bought a new Christmas jumper, but it was full of static. I returned it to the shop and they replaced it free of charge.
'Scaffolding pays good bread'
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MiB81
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by MiB81 »

Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?

No?

You don't know what you're missing.
...I'm making lists of all the people I love,
and all the cunts that should fuck off...
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MiB81
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by MiB81 »

What's the last thing you want to hear when you've just sucked Willie Nelson's cock?






















"I'm not Willie Nelson"
...I'm making lists of all the people I love,
and all the cunts that should fuck off...
droopsnoot
ManinBlack
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

I went to an Inuit restaurant last night.
I asked what was on the menu.
"Whale meat, whale meat, or you can try a Vera Lynn"
"What's that?" I asked
"Whale meat again"
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
droopsnoot
ManinBlack
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

Last night I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the car park as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shops.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding two £50 notes in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.

He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and two sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to save two hundred pounds to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home.

He had not even entered the shop, when an older boy grabbed two £50 notes and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the pavement and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So, I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
PJayBe
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by PJayBe »

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

"Just Released -New LP -Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.
"I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes." Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.

Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant.................


"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."
droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

I got a job making toy Draculas - there's just me and one other in the team so I have to make every second count.
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
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