Crap Joke No.83840370

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jason
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason »

droopsnoot wrote: 26 Aug 2021, 09:25 Q: What do ravioli play at birthday parties?

A: Pasta parcel
Thanks for that pasta joke as well. It cheered me up because I've been on my own today feeling Cannelloni!
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

My car broke down this morning, so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine. Amazingly he said, “Hello, sir. You are a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed, too."

I realised the problem straight away….

Bat flattery!
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

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The godfather’s bookkeeper, cheated him out of $10,000,000. The bookeeper Guido was deaf and dumb and that is the reason he got the job, the godfather assumed he would hear nothing so he could never testify in court.

When the godfather goes to court to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The godfather tells the lawyer “Ask him where the money is”

The lawyer using sign language asks Guido “Where’s the money”

Guido signs back “I don’t know what you are talking about”

The lawyer tells the godfather “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about”

The godfather pulls out a pistol and puts to Guido’s head and says “Ask him again where the money is or I will kill him”

The lawyer signs to Guido “He will kill you if you don’t tell him”

Guido trembles and signs “OK you win, the money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house”

The godfather asks the lawyer “What did he say”

The lawyer replied “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger”
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paulinblack
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by paulinblack »

Just seen a bloke in Aldi buying a sombrero, pinata and some paella...

I thought to myself, 'I can't believe it. Hispanic buying!'
G-L-O-S...Living in a flood plain!
jason
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason »

I went to bed very early yesterday. The sales manager of Bed World wasn't happy at all about it!
droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

I once had an argument with Patrick Swayze over how to make a curry. He said, "Nobody puts bayleaf in a korma."
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the guv...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah

"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........

"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"
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jason
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason »

I've just put together a compilation of Mick Hucknall, Mick Jagger, Mike and the Mechanics and Michael Bolton hits. It's a great Mick's Tape!
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day!

Teach a man to fish and you annoy the French for a lifetime!
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jason
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason »

My wife has stood by me for over forty years now. We've only got one chair!
droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

He's making a list
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice
Santa Claus is in contravention of ‘profiling’ as defined in article 4 of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
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