Crap Joke No.83840370

Other non Stranglers stuff here

Moderator: StanInBlack

Post Reply
droopsnoot
ManinBlack
ManinBlack
Posts: 3275
Joined: 27 Jan 2004, 17:28
Location: Cheshire

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

No matter how many times I try to buy conveyor belt dividers, the cashier just keeps putting them back.
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
jason
Man Of The Earth
Man Of The Earth
Posts: 8070
Joined: 02 Oct 2008, 15:34
Location: Kent

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason »

droopsnoot wrote: 17 Jun 2021, 09:32 No matter how many times I try to buy conveyor belt dividers, the cashier just keeps putting them back.
Yes it's so frustrating isn't it! :lol:
droopsnoot
ManinBlack
ManinBlack
Posts: 3275
Joined: 27 Jan 2004, 17:28
Location: Cheshire

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
droopsnoot
ManinBlack
ManinBlack
Posts: 3275
Joined: 27 Jan 2004, 17:28
Location: Cheshire

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

A Texas farmer goes on holiday to England. He is talking to an English farmer.
"How long would it take to drive around your farm?"
"Well, probably an hour or so"
"An hour? It would take me 12 hours back home. What do y'all think about that?"
"Yeah, I had a car like that once."
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
droopsnoot
ManinBlack
ManinBlack
Posts: 3275
Joined: 27 Jan 2004, 17:28
Location: Cheshire

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

Of all the different blood groups, Type-O's make the most spelling mistakes.
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
jason
Man Of The Earth
Man Of The Earth
Posts: 8070
Joined: 02 Oct 2008, 15:34
Location: Kent

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason »

droopsnoot wrote: 14 Jul 2021, 18:26 Of all the different blood groups, Type-O's make the most spelling mistakes.
That reminds me of my an old mate of mine who urgently needed a blood transfusion and when I asked what blood group he was he just kept saying be positive Jas, be positive Jas, so sadly I couldn't help him!
droopsnoot
ManinBlack
ManinBlack
Posts: 3275
Joined: 27 Jan 2004, 17:28
Location: Cheshire

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

My mate, on the other hand, drinks a lot of brake fluid. I've told him he must be addicted, but he says he can stop at any time.
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
jason
Man Of The Earth
Man Of The Earth
Posts: 8070
Joined: 02 Oct 2008, 15:34
Location: Kent

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason »

I went to a restaurant yesterday with an outside eating area. Unfortunately it poured with rain and it took me 3 hours to finish my soup starter! :shock:
Russ65
Rats Rally
Posts: 335
Joined: 25 Jan 2009, 14:54
Location: Lancashire

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Russ65 »

A Catholic goes to confession. "Forgive me father for I have sinned." He begins.
"Go on my son." says the priest.
"I swore the other day, in the most profane way." says the man.
"Continue." says the priest.
"I was on the golf course and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway." "And this is when you swore?" asked the priest.
"No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough." said the man. "Ah, so this must have been when you swore." Said the priest.
"No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it." continued the man. "Ahhh I see." says the priest "This MUST have been the point where you swore."
"You'd thinks so but no, because as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed just two feet from the hole."
They both remain quiet for a few seconds, then the priest says: "You missed the fuckin putt, didn't you?"
droopsnoot
ManinBlack
ManinBlack
Posts: 3275
Joined: 27 Jan 2004, 17:28
Location: Cheshire

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

A man died and was greeted at the pearly gates by St Peter.
St Peter opened his book and said "We’re on the fence about letting you in, did you do anything in your life that made you worthy of entering heaven?"
The man said "Absolutely! There was the time I was driving down the road and saw a woman who had broken down being harassed by a bunch of motorcycle guys. I pulled over, found the leader, ripped his earring off and told him - if you mess with this woman you’re going to have to deal with me".
St Peter said "Oh that is commendable - when did this happen?"
The man replied "about 30 seconds ago".
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
droopsnoot
ManinBlack
ManinBlack
Posts: 3275
Joined: 27 Jan 2004, 17:28
Location: Cheshire

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

Q: What do ravioli play at birthday parties?

A: Pasta parcel
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
toilerinblack
The Raven
The Raven
Posts: 2189
Joined: 05 May 2020, 19:33

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by toilerinblack »

jason wrote: 24 Apr 2021, 19:56
droopsnoot wrote: 24 Apr 2021, 19:03 When I went in for my Covid jab, the nurse asked me if I’d had a sudden loss of taste.

I replied “No, I’ve always dressed like this"
:lol:
You've posted some great jokes on here..cheers.
Post Reply