Crap Joke No.83840370

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droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

To the neighbour who selflessly loaned me a cover for my shed when the roof blew off during the recent storms, I just wanted to say "Ta, Pauline".
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toilerinblack
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by toilerinblack »

PJayBe wrote: 24 Jan 2022, 22:32 I suggested to my wife we should spice up our love life with some role-play.
"Oh yes, let's play doctor!", she shouted.

We won't be doing that again,
I've sat in the waiting room for four hours...


I came to this country with only one pound in my pocket.

And now I own a shopping trolley.


I'm reading a horror story in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen I can feel it.


My ex-GF had my name tattooed on her boob, but she had it removed after we broke up...I was erased from her mammary.


A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She called Three Horses."
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"
The old Indian answered, It old Indian name.

It mean nag, nag, nag!
FAF!
droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

My son came home and told me “I’ve been awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school today”

“What’s that?” I asked

“A large building with lots of kids” he replied, "but that's not important right now."
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toilerinblack
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by toilerinblack »

droopsnoot wrote: 29 Oct 2021, 09:27 One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the guv...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah

"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........

"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"
good one!
droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

There is an Irish lad at work. Every year for Paddy's Day he puts green food dye in the local river.

However for this year he said he's going to honour Ukraine, so will put blue and yellow in.
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toilerinblack
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by toilerinblack »

droopsnoot wrote: 15 May 2021, 18:08 A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."
Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."
Blinder !
droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. The fortune teller predicted that Putin would die on a Ukrainian national holiday.

Putin asks: "Which one?"

The fortune teller responded: "Whenever you die it will be a Ukrainian national holiday"
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droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered an ice cream sundae.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

Scientists studying the effect of cannabis on seabirds have left no tern unstoned
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droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

Walked past a beggar today. He said, "Any change, mate?”

“No,” I said, “I’ve still got a big house and a Porsche"
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MiB81
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by MiB81 »

Q. What doesn't fit up your arse, and doesn't buzz?









A. A Russian-made arse buzzer.
...I'm making lists of all the people I love,
and all the cunts that should fuck off...
jason
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason »

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Stranglers related joke!
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