Crap Joke No.83840370

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jason
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason »

droopsnoot wrote: 21 Jan 2022, 11:02 I got a job making toy Draculas - there's just me and one other in the team so I have to make every second count.
Fangs for that!
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

I just read that Meat Loaf's wife of many years was a qualified accountant.

In a statement she said how she refused to deal with any of his finances, adding that she’ll do anything for love, but she won’t do VAT.
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PJayBe
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by PJayBe »

I suggested to my wife we should spice up our love life with some role-play.
"Oh yes, let's play doctor!", she shouted.

We won't be doing that again,
I've sat in the waiting room for four hours...


I came to this country with only one pound in my pocket.

And now I own a shopping trolley.


I'm reading a horror story in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen I can feel it.


My ex-GF had my name tattooed on her boob, but she had it removed after we broke up...I was erased from her mammary.


A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She called Three Horses."
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"
The old Indian answered, It old Indian name.

It mean nag, nag, nag!
droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

"Helen," he said, "We've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world? We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."

His wife solemnly replied, "I remember, dear."

"Helen," he continued, "when our son was killed in that terrible car accident, I was heartbroken. I didn't think I could go on, but you were by my side."

His wife began to softly cry, "I know, dear."

"And now," the man went on, "I'm about to leave this world. In my final moments, where are you?"

His wife sobbed, "Right here by your side, dear."

"Helen," the man said, "I'm beginning to think you might be bad luck."
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £20 and a note in its mouth reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and berating the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!!!"
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
jason
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason »

droopsnoot wrote: 03 Feb 2022, 13:00 As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £20 and a note in its mouth reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and berating the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!!!"
Very good! :lol:
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theraven1979
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by theraven1979 »

jason wrote:
droopsnoot wrote: 03 Feb 2022, 13:00 As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £20 and a note in its mouth reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and berating the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!!!"
Very good! Image
Seconded!

Jim

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"I bathed in sun and walked in rain
It taught me how to laugh again"
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StanInBlack
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by StanInBlack »

Those last two dropsnoot jokes have been proper crackers :lol:
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Grip »

Two birds sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says 'Can you smell fish?'

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and asks 'Do you know how to drive this?'
Tickety Boo!
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

A bloke is strolling along, minding his own business, when a funny-looking chap jumps out from behind a bush and says 'Remember Sean Connery!' before disappearing down the street.

Later that day the same bloke looks out of his front window and sees the same funny-looking chap, who shouts out at him 'Remember Sean Connery!!' then scarpers around the corner.

'Right' our hero thinks, 'I've just about had enough of this' and storms off down to the police station where he tells the desk sergeant that he's being stalked by a funny-looking chap.

Copper asks 'Can you give me a description?' and the bloke replies 'Well, he reminds me of Sean Connery'.
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StanInBlack
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by StanInBlack »

droopsnoot wrote: 10 Feb 2022, 11:17 A bloke is strolling along, minding his own business, when...
Hang on a second! :lol:
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

My favourite childhood memory is building sandcastles with my grandfather.

Until my mother took the urn from me.
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