Crap Joke No.83840370

[droopsnoot]

I went for an audition the other day to play the Invisible Man.

The director told me he couldn't really see me in the role, so I got it.

[PJayBe]

Two gay mods are dancing closely in a 60s psych/garage themed nightclub, chatting each other up. One of them says to the other:
"What's your favourite song of all time?"

The second one says:
"You Really Got Me by The Kinks"

The first one says:
"Oh, have I? Sorry, I'll back off a bit then"

[Grip]

I said to my wife
'I bet you can't make me happy and sad all at the same time'
She thought for a minute and said
'You've got the biggest penis out of all your friends'

[PJayBe]

Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

[gjinblack]

Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

That's not crap!

Sent from my SM-S918B using Tapatalk

[droopsnoot]

Cinderella, now 90 years old and Prince Charming long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly her Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned. “What are you doing here after all these years?” she asked.

The Fairy Godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you were a wonderful wife to your husband. Therefore, I am here to grant you three wishes.”

Cinderella thought about it for a good minute, then said, “I wish for wealth.”

“Done,” said the Fairy Godmother as Cinderella was surrounded by a small mountain of gold coins.
“And your second wish?”

“I wish to be young again,” said Cinderella.

The Fairy Godmother waved her wand and all of Cinderella‘s wrinkles disappeared, her hair was once again golden, her back, straightened up and she was infused with youthful energy.

“Granted,” said the Fairy Godmother.

“And your last wish?”

Cinderella smiled and said, “I wish for my cat to become a handsome young man.”

No sooner did Cinderella say this than the Fairy Godmother vanished and the cat jumped down to the floor.

He then turned into the most handsome man imaginable, mat least twice as attractive as Prince Charming.

They looked at each other for a long while before the man bent down toward Cinderella, caressing her smooth skin and whispering in a seductive voice, "I suppose you regret cutting my balls off now."

[PJayBe]

Life on the dole. It has its benefits.

[HOFT]

hey,
just remember in the month of october,
if you've been scared shitless,
it could be considered a spooky dooky.

[jason]

I just had a knock on my front door by a little man who was just 3 foot 3 inches. I said who are you? He replied the Metre man!!!!

[Summer Dreamer]

A fella goes to a building site to see if there are any jobs going.

"Maybe," says the foreman. "Can you make tea?"

"Sure," says the fella, "I can make tea like a pro."

"Okay," says the foreman, "can you drive a forklift?"

"Fuck me!" says the fella, "how big is the teapot?!"

[HOFT]

A lady was walking into the local hardware store today when the leaky spouting took a major dump in her face.

When she got home and asked her husband what kind of bacteria would come off a roof.

Smartass answered : "You might get shingles."

[droopsnoot]

A priest who thought of himself as a healer is in the process of trying to perform a miracle.

Priest: Stand up!

A man slowly stood.

Priest: Now walk, my child, walk!

The man slowly started walking and the crowd was shocked.

The priest then gave the microphone to the man.

Priest: Now what can you say about this miracle of God?

Man: I still can’t see.