Crap Joke No.83840370

[droopsnoot]

I asked 100 women what their favourite brand of shampoo was, and the top answer was "GET OUT OF MY SHOWER"

[jason]

My doctor had a real moan at me today. He put me on a very strict diet a month ago and I've actually put 2 Stone on since then. He asked me what the hell is going on and I just said I'm really sorry but I've just had an awful lot on my plate recently!

[HOFT]

did you know that if you are sitting on the toilet at 11:59pm,

and you take a shit right as the clock turns to 12am,

it's the same old shit different day ?!

[Summer Dreamer]

What do you call a woman 'hanging around' the middle of a tennis court?
Annette.

[jason]

Never fall in love with a tennis player. Love means nothing to them!

[HOFT]

i recently attended a magic show in Mexico.

the magician said UNO, DOS, and then vanished without a Tres !!

[HOFT]

i called the incontinence line the other day and when they answered, they asked if i could hold.

i told them if i could hold i wouldn't be calling your office !

[HOFT]

do you know why vegans don't moan during sex ?

because they're afraid to admit that some meat makes them happy.

[HOFT]

what do you call a lesbian with braces ?

a box cutter.

[jason]

We couldn't get a table inside our favourite pub for our meal tonight because it is so popular. So we sat in the pub garden instead in the pouring rain. It's just taken me 4 hours to finish my soup!!!!!

[droopsnoot]

On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple.

"But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted.

"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!

[theraven1979]

Took me a while to get that!

Jim

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