Crap Joke No.83840370

droopsnoot · Post by **droopsnoot** » 26 Mar 2020, 11:19

I bought a map of the world. I pinned it to the wall and said to my wife “Here, throw this dart at it, wherever it lands, I’ll take you there once all this virus business is finished”.

Turns out we’re spending a fortnight behind the fridge.

Post by **jason** » 26 Mar 2020, 11:31

I dreamt last night I was eating a giant sized marshmallow. I woke up and my pillow had disappeared!

Post by **Summer Dreamer** » 28 Mar 2020, 14:16

Q: Which Shakespearean character (or Shakespearo) killed the greatest number of chickens?

A: Hamlet's uncle, for he did murder most foul.

(In homage to Bob Dylan's latest release).

MiB81 · Post by **MiB81** » 28 Mar 2020, 14:56

Summer Dreamer wrote: ↑28 Mar 2020, 14:16
(In homage to Bob Dylan's latest release).

Thanx for the heads up

droopsnoot · Post by **droopsnoot** » 29 Mar 2020, 18:59

In a similar fashion to the NHS appreciation the other night, tomorrow there will be a request for everyone to stand on their doorstep and give a clap for all the delivery drivers out there doing their bit.

The applause will take place any time between 6AM and 9PM.

droopsnoot · Post by **droopsnoot** » 29 Mar 2020, 19:03

I was at the supermarket buying essential products earlier on, and I saw the remaining Chuckle Brother near the frozen food section.

I wanted to get a selfie with him, but as I approached him he put his arm out and said "Oi! Two metres, you."

droopsnoot · Post by **droopsnoot** » 07 Apr 2020, 18:45

Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and says to the barman "could I have a large aperitif?"

The barman says "I wouldn’t have thought so love."

PJayBe · Post by **PJayBe** » 14 Apr 2020, 12:43

Police in London have arrested a man they found on a swing in a children's
playground.

The man claimed he wasn't doing anything wrong, he just self-oscillating.

airflamesred · Post by **airflamesred** » 14 Apr 2020, 13:48

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Post by **Russ65** » 14 Apr 2020, 16:21

For something to do whilst in lockdown my wife suggested I make a bird table. She's now totally pissed off with me as I only put in seventh place!!!!

airflamesred · Post by **airflamesred** » 14 Apr 2020, 18:22

Russ65 wrote: ↑14 Apr 2020, 16:21 For something to do whilst in lockdown my wife suggested I make a bird table. She's now totally pissed off with me as I only put in seventh place!!!!

Has your proof reader been furloughed?
I only put her in 7th place.

Post by **jason** » 14 Apr 2020, 22:47

I tried to take my car for a service this morning but I couldn't get it through the church doors!

Burning Up Time - The Stranglers and Hugh Cornwell Unofficial Forums

Crap Joke No.83840370

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