Crap Joke No.83840370

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theraven1979
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Post by theraven1979 »

Gotta be some jokes in there somewhere

Jim
Keninblack wrote:
Alias wrote:Tragedy Plus Time.
The secret of a great joke. :-)
On a roll now...

A devastating past 24 hours for Scotland - first Celtic win the league, now they have the UK's first outbreak of bird flu.
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It taught me how to laugh again"
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Post by Alias »

A guy goes to the doctors, and the doc says, "So, what can I help you with today then?"

And the guy says, "Well, it's my cock. It's turned orange."

So the doc says, "That's weird - have you been doing anything different recently?"

The guy says no.

"Well, what about at work- have you been in contact with any new chemicals or anything?"

The guy says shakes his head.

"What about travel- have you been abroad recently?"

Again, the guy shakes his head.

"What, not even on holiday somewhere?"

"No," says the guy, "I'm not working. I don't have the money for holidays. I've not been abroad."

"So," asks the doc, "what do you do all day then?"

"Oh, nothing much," says the guy, "just sit around watching pornos. And eating Wotsits."
I'm a comedian and poet, so anything that doesn't get a laugh is a poem. B.Hicks.

"Further modulation of the frequency rotation, Triggered waveband activation - near elation"

'Why are you so edgy, kid ?'
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Post by Keninblack »

Easter bunnies.....

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Keninblack
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Post by Keninblack »

Another bird flu....

Image
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Post by swizzler »

Man marries a deaf girl-he says ' We must work out a code ; If I want sex I,ll stroke your left breast- you reply by pulling by penis ONCE for YES
or 150times for NO
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MULLY
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Post by MULLY »

Keninblack wrote:Another bird flu....

Image
Just noticed - bottom right corner - 'Sore Gizzard' !!

I know he has just recently turned 40, but c'mon :grin:
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Post by Alias »

A wee guy, loves his drink an that but every time he goes out he staggers back home, steaming out his nut all covered in sick and throwing up all over the place. His wife gets tired of all this and tells him, "Right that's it! If you go back out drinking, and come home in that state again, all covered in vomit, then you're out! In fact don't even bother coming home!"
Fair enough thinks the wee guy and doesn't go out for a couple of weeks. Soon enough though his mate is on the phone, asking him does he not fancy a wee bevy?
"Aye, I do," answers the guy, but proceeds to tells his mate his dilemma.
"Ach," says his mate, "that's no problem at all. C'mon out and I'll tell you how to get around that one."
So the guy goes out and his missus meets him at the door as he's leaving and gives him that look, reminding him- come back in your usual state and you're out.
So, a couple of pints in the pub later the wee guy says to his mate, "Right, what's your sure fire plan then, what do I have to do?"
And his mate says, "It's easy- all you do is you put a £10 note in your top pocket, and then when you get home all covered in sick you tell the little lady that some guy standing next to you at the bar did it, he apologised and gave you the £10 to cover the cleaning bill. Problem solved!"
Aye, thinks the wee guy, that would work sure enough and so he carries on drinking, proceeding to get rat arsed and before he knows it it's closing time and he's in his usual state - steaming drunk and sick all up and down the front of his suit. He manages to stagger home and when his incredulous wife meets him at the door, barring entrance to the house, he just about manages to slur out the story about the guy at the bar and the £10 note in his top pocket. Sure enough when his wife checks his pocket there is a note in there. "But this is a £20 note." She says looking at it.
"Oh aye," says the wee guy, "I forgot to tell you. He shat in my pants too!"
I'm a comedian and poet, so anything that doesn't get a laugh is a poem. B.Hicks.

"Further modulation of the frequency rotation, Triggered waveband activation - near elation"

'Why are you so edgy, kid ?'
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Post by MULLY »

Jose Mouriniho was seen buying all the Chelsea team Viagra after being beaten (again) by Liverpool and failing to reach a Final.

Apparently they can't get past the semi stage!!! :grin:
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Post by PaulinLondon »

Yet more hard core Stranglers fans from around this wonderful world of
ours :

More Stranglers fans......
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Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by ria »

That Romance was fetched for the heartbreakers...

:wink:

“A mouse and an elephant’ d had such an hot night so as the elephant passed away.
- Bloody me ! said the mouse,
One night to fulfill my nature with all my depth and then,
I’ll spend the rest of my life digging a hole ! â€
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Rich
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Post by Rich »

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number1, you
have to be single and nimber 2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party.

Rich.
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Post by MULLY »

A young fella is making his way home after a night out with his mates - a few drinks, bit of a laugh, the usual craic... Anyway, its a dark, wet wintry night and the streetlights are on the blink.

As he is walking along, he stops and cocks his head...Whats that noise?

bump......bump......bump......

Unsure of what it is, he speeds up apace, turning up his coat-collar and thrusting his hands deep into his pocket. But he stops after a while and turns again. He can still hear that noise but it seems to be getting closer!!

bump.....bump.....bump.....

Bump.....Bump.....Bump.....

BUMP.....BUMP.....BUMP.....

He strains his eyes against the rain pelting down and the darkness and makes out the shape of a large wooden box, turning end over end up the road!!

BUMP....BUMP....BUMP.....

As he looks harder, he realises its a coffin thats turning end over end ....and it seems to be approaching him and speeding up.

Fuckin' hell, he thinks and legs it as quickly as possible in the opposite direction - every so often he glances over his shoulder as he runs - but the coffin is still coming after him and if anything is catching him!!

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP

He is practically sprinting as he runs into the road where he lives and as he reaches the gate of his house, he takes a moment to look back the way he had came...There it was ...coming down his road...

BUMP..BUMP..BUMP..BUMP..

He runs up his drive, fumbling for the door key and just manages to get into the hall and as he is closing the door, he sees the coffin coming through the gate..

BUMP..BUMP..BUMP..

Putting the snib down, he runs into the living room and slumps into his chair - his heart beating ten to the dozen, What should he do? Ring the Police? As he sits there wondering the best course of action, he hears an almighty crash as the coffin rams into the door - taking it off it's hinges..

CRASH!!

Running back out into the hall, he sees the coffin hopping in through the shattered door-frame, still coming towards him

BUMP..HOP..BUMP..HOP

Quickly, he runs up the stairs and into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

As he sits down on the loo, he can hear the coffin coming up the stairs, one at a time..

HOP..BUMP..HOP..BUMP..HOP..BUMP..

Eventually the noise stops, but he is sure it is outside the bathroom door. Then....CRASH... the coffin bursts into the bathroom, taking the lock off the wall and forcing the door back against the wall. The coffin slowly approaches the cowering chap...

HOP......BUMP.....HOP.....BUMP.....

As he is forced back against the farthest wall, his hands scramble for something to throw at it. He reaches into the bathroom cabinet and finds a canister of shaving foam - he throws it, but still it approaches..

HOP...BUMP...

A Lynx aerosol is flung....to no avail....

HOP...BUMP...

His hands find a bottle of Benelin - he throws it...

And.......










The coffin stops!! :oops: :grin: :grin:
Allow me to re-arrange your face, sometimes I'd really like to get to know you better
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