Crap Joke No.83840370

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PaulinLondon
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Post by PaulinLondon »

If you are going to conduct a serious interview, don't start laughing uncontrollably at the sound of your guest's voice.....



www.fazed.org/video/view/?id=120
"Madame, Be in no doubt as to the seriousness of your position". The Day of the Jackal, 1973.
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Post by The Strangler »

I love it when this topic comes back on the board, as i feel obliged to read Custards joke about the Tourette's bloke - always cracks me up :lol: :lol:
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Post by Alias »

An elderly man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually,
the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice. The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion:

Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasise, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."

They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.

Perplexed, they go back to the therapist. "Okay", he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, creaming orgasm. Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly:










"THAT'S how you wave a fucken towel, Sonny!!!!!"
I'm a comedian and poet, so anything that doesn't get a laugh is a poem. B.Hicks.

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Post by Alias »

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file.

Whose funeral is it?

The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife"

"What happened to her?"

The man replied " My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue"
I'm a comedian and poet, so anything that doesn't get a laugh is a poem. B.Hicks.

"Further modulation of the frequency rotation, Triggered waveband activation - near elation"

'Why are you so edgy, kid ?'
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PaulinLondon
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Post by PaulinLondon »

In a the local boozer in Finchley, about 1 hour ago.

Very pissed male, (I think he had been sacked today), circa 50 years of age, leans over to me and me drummer and whispers, delicately but with a sort of finesse :

"Mary had a little lamb,
The farmer shot it dead,
And now it goes to school with her,
Between to lumps of bread".

He burst out laughing and then the poor sod looked as though he wanted to cry.
"Madame, Be in no doubt as to the seriousness of your position". The Day of the Jackal, 1973.
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Post by bry »

didn know wheree else to put it really

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYfMZEnE ... %20jackson
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Post by theraven1979 »

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team sacked its entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in eight seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment. Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have the advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under six seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for eight bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
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Post by Keninblack »

Apologies in advance for this one.....

It will take at least 3 weeks to get Gene Pitney a coffin made from oak, but only '24 hours from balsa'
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PaulinLondon
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Post by PaulinLondon »

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:shock:
"Madame, Be in no doubt as to the seriousness of your position". The Day of the Jackal, 1973.
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theraven1979
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Post by theraven1979 »

Everything a joke should be - mildly offensive and cheesey as fuck - awesome!

Jim
"I bathed in sun and walked in rain
It taught me how to laugh again"
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Post by Alias »

Tragedy Plus Time.
The secret of a great joke. :-)
I'm a comedian and poet, so anything that doesn't get a laugh is a poem. B.Hicks.

"Further modulation of the frequency rotation, Triggered waveband activation - near elation"

'Why are you so edgy, kid ?'
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Post by Keninblack »

Alias wrote:Tragedy Plus Time.
The secret of a great joke. :-)
On a roll now...

A devastating past 24 hours for Scotland - first Celtic win the league, now they have the UK's first outbreak of bird flu.
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