Crap Joke No.83840370

[jason]

I went to the local snooker club last night and got a 147. Well it's the only bus that goes there from my house!

[droopsnoot]

A little Teddy bear needed money for honey so he started looking for a job. After a long struggle, he was eventually interviewed and landed a job on a building site. On the first day, he was kitted out...wellies, hard hat, hi vis waistcoat and a brand new pick and shovel. And he was given a locker in which to keep all his new stuff.

On the following day, he turned up on time, with his honey sandwiches and a flask of milk. So he put on his wellies, put on his hard hat - and his hi vis waistcoat. But he was devastated to find that, while his shovel was there, his pick was gone - there was no sign of it anywhere.

Later that day, the site foreman was walking around, inspecting things to see that all was well when he chanced upon little Teddy who was sitting one the edge of a trench, weeping bitterly.

"Whatever is the matter, little bear?" said the foreman, kindly.

"Well," the bear sniffed, "when I came to work this morning, I put on my new wellies...and my hard hat, and my hi vis waistcoat and got my shovel out. But my pick wasn't there (sniff) I couldn't find it anywhere, no matter how hard I searched. I can help dig things but how can I start digging without my pick?" he wailed.

"Well, little bear, to be honest you should really have been ready for it, " the foreman said. "After all, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."

[droopsnoot]

A guy walks into a bookshop and says "I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare"

The shop assistant asks "Which one?"

The guy replies "William"

[MiB81]

A little Teddy bear needed money for honey so he started looking for a job. After a long struggle, he was eventually interviewed and landed a job on a building site. On the first day, he was kitted out...wellies, hard hat, hi vis waistcoat and a brand new pick and shovel. And he was given a locker in which to keep all his new stuff.

On the following day, he turned up on time, with his honey sandwiches and a flask of milk. So he put on his wellies, put on his hard hat - and his hi vis waistcoat. But he was devastated to find that, while his shovel was there, his pick was gone - there was no sign of it anywhere.

Later that day, the site foreman was walking around, inspecting things to see that all was well when he chanced upon little Teddy who was sitting one the edge of a trench, weeping bitterly.

"Whatever is the matter, little bear?" said the foreman, kindly.

"Well," the bear sniffed, "when I came to work this morning, I put on my new wellies...and my hard hat, and my hi vis waistcoat and got my shovel out. But my pick wasn't there (sniff) I couldn't find it anywhere, no matter how hard I searched. I can help dig things but how can I start digging without my pick?" he wailed.

"Well, little bear, to be honest you should really have been ready for it, " the foreman said. "After all, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."

Ouch

[droopsnoot]

My wife and I have decided to become carpenters.

A friend asked if we had finished anything yet.

I said, "we’ve only just begun".

[PJayBe]

Apparently William Shatner is marrying Stevie Nicks. She will then be known as Stevie Shatner Nicks...

[jason]

I keep getting some bloke phoning me up coughing and sneezing down the phone and then he hangs up. Don't you just hate cold callers!

[Paul]

There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.

[droopsnoot]

Clown divorces often end in lengthy custardy battles.

[droopsnoot]

Do YOU appear in the form of water droplet?

Are YOU found on grass and windows in the morning?

If so you may be dew condensation!

[kjblack]

There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.

There once was a Queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier
'Til a Prince from Peru
Who came by for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.

[jason]

Some bloke asked me if I can make a Vegan Chilli the other day. So I nicked his cardigan!