Crap Joke No.83840370

Other non Stranglers stuff here

Moderator: StanInBlack

Post Reply
droopsnoot
The Raven
The Raven
Posts: 2886
Joined: 27 Jan 2004, 17:28
Location: Cheshire

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

I went to a musical instrument themed costume party the other night.

Host: "And what have you come as?"

Me: "A harp!"

Host: "Your costume seems a bit small for a harp!"

Me: "Wait, are you calling me a lyre?"
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
droopsnoot
The Raven
The Raven
Posts: 2886
Joined: 27 Jan 2004, 17:28
Location: Cheshire

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

I was waiting in the queue outside B&Q yesterday when a mate called and asked how big the queue was.

I said ‘the same size as the B’
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
jason
Man Of The Earth
Man Of The Earth
Posts: 7287
Joined: 02 Oct 2008, 15:34
Location: Kent

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason »

droopsnoot wrote: 07 Jun 2020, 19:19 I was waiting in the queue outside B&Q yesterday when a mate called and asked how big the queue was.

I said ‘the same size as the B’
One of the workers there asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately I got the first punch in!
airflamesred
The Man They Love To Hate
Posts: 566
Joined: 06 Apr 2017, 22:36
Location: Hammersmiff

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by airflamesred »

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds. One cold evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair.

On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found.

The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird.

"I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..."

The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please dear," she said, "not in front of the chilled wren."
jason
Man Of The Earth
Man Of The Earth
Posts: 7287
Joined: 02 Oct 2008, 15:34
Location: Kent

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason »

I've just fallen from a ladder right on to my bicycle pump. It's really put the wind up me!
Summer Dreamer
Rats Rally
Posts: 255
Joined: 24 Mar 2011, 16:35

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Summer Dreamer »

We've just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who's been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.

He made a lovely job of the landing...
'Scaffolding pays good bread'
jason
Man Of The Earth
Man Of The Earth
Posts: 7287
Joined: 02 Oct 2008, 15:34
Location: Kent

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason »

Summer Dreamer wrote: 14 Jun 2020, 18:49 We've just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who's been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.

He made a lovely job of the landing...
I can't see his decorating business taking off!
droopsnoot
The Raven
The Raven
Posts: 2886
Joined: 27 Jan 2004, 17:28
Location: Cheshire

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

The Proclaimers' lawn is getting out of control and they are blaming B&Q.

They've been to Lochaber, no mower. Sutherland, no mower. Lewis, no mower. Skye, no mower.
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
droopsnoot
The Raven
The Raven
Posts: 2886
Joined: 27 Jan 2004, 17:28
Location: Cheshire

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

Back to Countryfile, and we're down on the farm for an in-depth interview with a dairy farmer:

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?

Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It’s also mine
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
Summer Dreamer
Rats Rally
Posts: 255
Joined: 24 Mar 2011, 16:35

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Summer Dreamer »

Looks like we're in for a bad spell of wether.
'Scaffolding pays good bread'
droopsnoot
The Raven
The Raven
Posts: 2886
Joined: 27 Jan 2004, 17:28
Location: Cheshire

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor.

So far, it's been seven owls and fifteen jays.
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall
User avatar
Boody
Ugly
Ugly
Posts: 1402
Joined: 25 Jan 2014, 13:20
Location: Arse end of commuter land, always looking for an escape

Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Boody »

Summer Dreamer wrote:Looks like we're in for a bad spell of wether.
After only ten days I have got the joke Image
I can't help getting old. I just refuse to grow up.
Post Reply