Crap Joke No.83840370

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The Strangler
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Post by The Strangler »

A plane crashes into the sea, and there are only 3 survivors - David, Darren, and Daisy. They manage to swim to a small desert island and live there for a couple of years, doing what comes naturally. Daisy, however, starts feeling so bad about having sex with both David and Darren thats she kills herself. This is a very sad time for both of them, but they get over it, and again nature takes its course. After a couple more years, the lads start feeling really bad about what they are doing...and bury her.
Rugby Union is not only the greatest team sport in the world on the field, but without a shadow of a doubt, is the greatest team sport in the world off the field. Nigel Owens.
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Paul
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Post by Paul »

had a severe bout of burd flu at the weekend.
for half an hour I was talking complete bollocks, weeping uncontrollably and couldn't park the car.
....near the nearside window.....
swizzler
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Post by swizzler »

In honour of newly announced gay marriages Ikea are now selling
lesbian beds...........
there is no screwing involved
its just tongue and groove :P
europhobia
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Post by europhobia »

Beat this for badness.

Q: Why are pirates called pirates?

A: Because they Arrrrrrrrrr
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theraven1979
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Post by theraven1979 »

As we're doing crappy childish jokes....

"What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?


......The Elephant's foreskin"



Yeah I know it's nonsensical but that's part of it's appeal !!


Jim
"I bathed in sun and walked in rain
It taught me how to laugh again"
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AdyP
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Post by AdyP »

Bloke comes back from the pub and says to his wife, "I've got a surprise for tonight, it's a flavoured condom". "don't tell me what flavour" she says. "I'm keen to guess". After a quick gobble she says "is it cheese and onion?". "Dunno" he says, "I haven't put it on yet!".
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The Strangler
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Post by The Strangler »

Following a night out with a few friends, a bloke takes them back to show off his new gaff. After the grand tour, one of his mates is a bit perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in his lounge.
"Whats the big brass gong for?" he asks.
"Why, thats my speaking clock"
"How does it work?" asks the guest
"I'll show you" the man said and gives the gong an ear-splitting blow with a hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed "For fucks sake, its twenty to two in the fucking morning, you bastard !"
Rugby Union is not only the greatest team sport in the world on the field, but without a shadow of a doubt, is the greatest team sport in the world off the field. Nigel Owens.
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Post by Alias »

europhobia wrote:Beat this for badness.
A challenge, eh?

OK-

What's brown and sticky?






A Stick.



What's orange and sounds like a parrot?









A carrot.
I'm a comedian and poet, so anything that doesn't get a laugh is a poem. B.Hicks.

"Further modulation of the frequency rotation, Triggered waveband activation - near elation"

'Why are you so edgy, kid ?'
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PaulinLondon
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Post by PaulinLondon »

Two rather deaf guys on a walking holiday in England. They arrive at a village and check into the b&b for the night.

Both of them fancy a drink and go to the local pub which has a board outside saying it has live music most nights.

One of them goes up to the bar to order two pints and he asks the landlord in a loud voice, "Sorry mate, I can't hear at all well ! What live music do you have on ?!?"

Landlord says, "No need to shout mate. On Tuesdays, it's disco, on Wednesdays it's 60's rock and on Thursdays, it's country 'n western".

"CHEERS MATE" shouts the deaf bloke.

Deaf bloke takes back the pints to his deaf mate who asks in a loud voice, "Do they do music then ?!?!"

The other fella replies, "Yeah. On Tuedays it's disco, on Wednesdays its 60's rock and on Thursday, it's some cunt from Preston".
"Madame, Be in no doubt as to the seriousness of your position". The Day of the Jackal, 1973.
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Keninblack
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Post by Keninblack »

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side. When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's.

As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigor, but it was stuck fast.

"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"

"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.

"Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.

At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy - Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
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AdyP
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Post by AdyP »

Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 2, one to change the bulb and one to suck my cock!
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Paul
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Post by Paul »

very good that :grin:


heard about the farmer who planted a field full of organic dildos?
he was invaded by squatters.
....near the nearside window.....
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