Crap Joke No.83840370

[droopsnoot]

What weighs more? A gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

[Russ65]

For something to do whilst in lockdown my wife suggested I make a bird table. She's now totally pissed off with me as I only put in seventh place!!!!

Has your proof reader been furloughed?
I only put her in 7th place.

she is the proof reader. Told you she was pissed.

[jason]

Paddy and Micky are down the beach and Paddy says to Micky how do you manage to pull all the girls? Can you give me some tips. Micky says I always put a large potato down my trunks and the girls love it so why don't you give it a go. Paddy says ok great I'll give that a go then. So Paddy goes for a walk down the beach and if anything it's having the opposite affect. All the women look disgusted with him. Paddy then sees Micky on the beach and walks up to him and says "Oh God no Micky you've done it all wrong mate, the potato needs to go down the front of your trunks not down the back"!!!

[jason]

I just went to the petrol station and got a bit emotional. I started filling up!

[Paul]

Micky and Minnie mouse went to marriage counselling.
the cousellor said to Mickey "Mickey, you can't just divorce Minnie because you say she has crooked teeth"
Mickey repied "no, I never said that, I said she was fucking goofy"

[PJayBe]

What sits in a tree and goes "Aaaaaah?"

An owl with a speech impediment.....

[droopsnoot]

Annotation 2020-04-29 100759.jpg (44.73 KiB) Viewed 1413 times

[droopsnoot]

BA have announced an offer where people can fly cheaply to Ireland one day, and Germany the next.

It's a limited deal - Eire today, Bonn tomorrow.

[jason]

Next years Plastic Ruler Flicking World Championships will be held in the Dordogne again.

[droopsnoot]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for. "I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"My guess is that she's still in the ditch" I replied.

[airflamesred]

What's black and yet yellow all over?


A Ford custard

[droopsnoot]

I have a flock of geese that help me shave little bits from the ends of blocks of cheese.

They’re migrating birds.