Crap Joke No.83840370

[sewer rat]

I was raised by goldfish, which might explain the long trail of shit dangling out my ass.

[droopsnoot]

Met up with a good friend over the weekend, and we were reminiscing about family and good times in the past.

"I'll never forget" I said, "when you came rushing out into the hallway that night 12 years ago. 'It's a boy, it's a boy' you were shouting. What a night!".

"Yes" he replied, "I've not been back to Bangkok since".

[droopsnoot]

I’ve just offered my elderly neighbour £10 to have a go on her stairlift.

I think she is going to take me up on it.

[jason]

Naming my dog Shark was a big mistake living by the seaside.

[jason]

I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck walked up to me with a rose in its beak.
It took the rose out and started kissing me all the way up my arm

I said "excuse me waiter, I asked for aromatic duck!.

[droopsnoot]

I had two policemen at the front door earlier.

One said "It's about your wife, sir. I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus"

I said "I know but she's great with the kids"

[sewer rat]

i was asked to run a marathon but said 'no chance'. Then I was informed it was for blind and handicapped kids...then I thought "fuck, I reckon I could win that".

how do you know if you have a high sperm count? If your wife has to chew before she swallows.

What do you get when you put a kitten in a microwave? An erection.

Some mornings I wake up bitchy....other mornings I just let her sleep


My first high school football game was a lot like my first time having sex....I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came


What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball....she gagged


What does Donald Trump's hair and a thong have in common? They both barely cover the asshole.


Say what you want about paedophiles....at least they drive slow through the school zone.


"MY LAST COUPLE OF JOKES WERE REMOVED UNFORTUNATELY....BUT I'M GUESSING THESE WILL BE TOO"

[droopsnoot]

Dave the Scouser is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?"

"Liverpool," came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Leeds," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "2-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ian St John."

Dave is stunned and returns home to Liverpool, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How," Dave says.

The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box."

[droopsnoot]

In the middle of winter, a farmer goes out on the hillside to a remote field and finds that all his cows are frozen solid. He doesn't know what to do, so he gets down on his knees, closes his eyes and prays for a solution. When he opens his eyes, a little old lady stands in front of him. She waves her arms at the cows, and immediately they all start to defrost. Within a few minutes they are all moving around, recovered.

"Thank you for your help old lady", says the farmer. "You must be an angel sent from heaven."

"Nay lad", says the old lady, "I'm Thora Hird".

[droopsnoot]

Two conjoined twins walk into an airport bar in the USA and one of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "So, where are you boys heading off to?"

"We're off to England!," says John. "We go to England every year. We rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "It's a wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and American beer, that's us, right Jim? And we can't stand the English – they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[cassini]

Jim - I think it’s time you blocked sewer rat - he doesn’t belong in this forum

[theraven1979]

Done

Jim