Crap Joke No.83840370

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PJayBe
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by PJayBe » 03 Apr 2019, 21:05

When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.....


My wife accused me of being immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.


Just asked the wife what she's burning for dinner. Turned out it was my clothes.


Honesty may be the best policy, but by a process of elimination, dishonesty is the second best....

droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot » 09 Apr 2019, 10:17

I went to the pub dressed as a tennis ball yesterday.

Got served straight away.
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall

droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot » 10 May 2019, 10:59

Danny Baker sacked for a tweet about a chimp? It's PG gone mad.
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall

PJayBe
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by PJayBe » 10 May 2019, 16:04

And the Lord said to John "Come forth and receive eternal life." However John came fifth and got a toaster.

droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot » 10 May 2019, 18:35

A chap in the High Street asked me to take a survey.

“What do you know about dwarves?” He asked.

“Very little.” I replied.
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall

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theraven1979
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by theraven1979 » 11 May 2019, 16:16

I'm on the Adam Ant diet. Don't chew ever, don't chew ever.

Jim

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"I bathed in sun and walked in rain
It taught me how to laugh again"

droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot » 14 May 2019, 18:32

Tyrone was having trouble in school. His teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone; can't you learn anything?

One day Tyrone's mother came to school to see how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire teaching career.

Tyrone's mother, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of London, relocating to Manchester.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease. Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Heart Special Hospital in Manchester could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Tyrone, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall

jason
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason » 14 May 2019, 22:01

My wife keeps painting me black and white. She keeps badgering me!

jason
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason » 19 May 2019, 08:49

Just seen a dyslexic yorkshire man walking down the street wearing a cat flap!

jason
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason » 19 May 2019, 08:51

My wife's lisp can be really irritating sometimes. I thought we was going to be watching the European thong contest last night!

droopsnoot
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot » 23 May 2019, 18:21

News is breaking that Police have raided Kermit's lily pad and found thousands of indecent images of Miss Piggy.

A spokesman said "it's the worst case of frog's porn I've ever seen".
http://www.firenza.net - my homage to a seventies Vauxhall

jason
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by jason » 23 May 2019, 19:29

My Wife said “if I die & you got another Woman would you give her my golf clubs”? I said “no she’s left handed”

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