Crap Joke No.83840370

[droopsnoot]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser were in a bar staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He was so familiar and not recognizing him was driving them mad.
They stared and stared until suddenly the Irishman said, ‘My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough it WAS Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they sent him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepted the drinks, smiled over at the three men and drank the pints slowly, one after another.

After he finished the drinks, he walked over to them, reached for the hand of the Irishman and shook
it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he let go, the Irishman cried, “My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shook the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he let go, the man's eyes widened in shock.

“Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!”

Jesus then approached the Scouser who said, “Back off, mate!”

[jason]

After 4 years of very hard work, and toil I am pleased to announce I have finished my first novel. I am now looking to start reading another one this weekend!

[droopsnoot]

There are two legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realize that it's really there.

So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been traveling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some water you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"

The stallholder shook his head and replied, "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands." The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr. purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been traveling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."

The stallholder looked at them embarrassed and then confessed. "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me - all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you."

The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate, we need water or we'll die. We've been traveling without water for days and need some now, do you have any you can sell us?"

The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."

The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands. Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands."

The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar."

[gjinblack]

There are two legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realize that it's really there.

So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been traveling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some water you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"

The stallholder shook his head and replied, "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands." The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr. purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been traveling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."

The stallholder looked at them embarrassed and then confessed. "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me - all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you."

The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate, we need water or we'll die. We've been traveling without water for days and need some now, do you have any you can sell us?"

The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."

The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands. Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands."

The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar."

Marvellous. This thread does what it says on the tin.

Sent from my SM-S918B using Tapatalk

[Waffle waitress]

There are two legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realize that it's really there.

So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been traveling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some water you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"

The stallholder shook his head and replied, "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands." The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr. purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been traveling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."

The stallholder looked at them embarrassed and then confessed. "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me - all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you."

The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate, we need water or we'll die. We've been traveling without water for days and need some now, do you have any you can sell us?"

The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."

The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands. Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands."

The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar."

Marvellous. This thread does what it says on the tin.

Sent from my SM-S918B using Tapatalk

I preferred the old thread

[jason]

My new neighbours moved in today. I hope they enjoy the Stranglers played loud as much as my last 9 neighbours!

[droopsnoot]

I joined a carpenter's class last week.
I haven't made anything yet - we've only just begun.

[droopsnoot]

A Kiwi farmer has 796 sheep. Realizing that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm and his loyal sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he’ll probably need a new dog, in fact, a whole team of dogs to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs, he notices that they looked very fit, but were young and probably untrained. The shopkeeper asks the Kiwi farmer if he needs help.

“Why yes,” says the farmer. “I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don’t think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many.”

The shopkeeper says, “I’ve got just the dog for you.” And leads the farmer into a small backroom, where a sheepdog is sitting by himself.

“Are you sure?” asks the farmer, “I have so many sheep and I don’t think one dog will be able to round all of them up

“I’m sure,” says the shopkeeper. “This is a very intelligent dog. He’s been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I’ve ever seen.”

“Yes,” says the dog, “I know seven languages, four martial arts and I have a degree in astrophysics.” He then offers the farmer his paw to shake. The farmer, in disbelief, shakes the dog’s paw and turns to the shopkeeper, “I’ll take him!”

That afternoon, the Kiwi farmer and the dog walk together uphill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. “Well,” says the farmer, “I’d like you to round up all of these sheep.”

“Okay,” replies the dog. “You have eight hundred sheep.”

[droopsnoot]

Did you know Las Vegas has more Catholic churches than casinos?

Not surprisingly, some Sunday worshipers give casino chips when the collection basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos the churches devised a system to handle the collections.

The churches send all of their collected chips to a nearby Benedictine monastery for sorting and then they’re taken to the individual casinos to be redeemed for cash.

This is done by chip monks.

[PJayBe]

I'm now a fully qualified counterfeiter.

I have the certificate to prove it.....

[droopsnoot]

Once upon a time in the USA, there was a wasp. Now, this wasp was no ordinary wasp. No, this was an extremely intelligent wasp. He was so smart, in fact, that one day he decided to leave the nest to go to high school. Obviously, this was a big deal for his family, but they supported him in following his dreams, so they packed up his few belongings and sent him off the high school.

You might think that a wasp wouldn't do very well in a high school, and normally you'd be right. This wasp, however, was not only extremely smart, but also very good with people. He had a natural gift for speaking that made everyone adore him and hang on his every word. He was elected class president all four years and graduated as his class's valedictorian with a perfect 4.0 GPA. This wasp was so smart, in fact, that he got a full scholarship to study at Harvard.

He wanted to use his gifts to help lead people forward, so he left his hometown to go and study politics. As I said before, this wasp was quite possibly the smartest wasp in history, and had no problem acing all of his classes. Four years later he received his bachelor's degree, graduating at the top of his class.

The wasp moved to Atlanta, Georgia, where he got a job in city government and quickly rose to prominence. After a few years he decided to run for mayor. Many people in the city were understandably concerned. After all, a wasp mayor is not a common thing. The wasp was such a powerful speaker, though, that he managed to just barely eke out a victory. Once in office, his intellect and shrewdness proved to be exactly what the city needed. In the space of two years, crime and poverty had dropped to record lows, and the people were happier than ever.

After proving himself as mayor of a major city for a few terms, the wasp decided to run for governor of the whole state. The people of Atlanta were, of course, behind him 100%, but the rural areas of the state were much more sceptical. The wasp travelled around the state extensively, meeting with small business owners and key figures in small towns. His humble beginnings and down-to-earth nature proved enough to get him elected, the first wasp governor in American history.

Just as he had in Atlanta, the wasp quickly turned to the business of revitalizing the state. Under his steady hand, Georgia experienced a rebirth of art and culture and prosperity spread throughout the state. Many other states took note of his reforms and began implementing similar policies elsewhere in the country.

Once he had served three terms as governor of Georgia the wasp decided it was time to go for the big one: President of the United States. It was a long, hard-fought campaign and most media outlets predicted a loss for the wasp. After all, how could a wasp ever be elected President? It's simply unheard of. The wasp shocked the world, though, when on election day voters turned out in record numbers to vote for him. Many questions were raised about the legality of a wasp president following his stunning victory, but since the Constitution never specified that a human is required for the office the courts let the result stand.

As the wasp served his first term as President, many crises came and went, but always the wasp guided the country through with confidence. After four of the most prosperous years in recent memory the wasp won re-election in a landslide. Four more years passed and the country had to say good-bye to one of the greatest presidents ever to serve.

The wasp decided that he had done enough in his life and retired from politics. He hadn’t been home in many years and he missed his family. So the wasp went back to his hometown and the nest where he grew up. The nest was ecstatic at his return and threw a grand party in his honour. There was dancing, games, drinks, good friends, and everything else a good party needs.

After the wasp had been dancing for quite a while he’d worked up quite a thirst and had heard that his mother had made her famous punch for the party, The wasp was slightly worried, however. His mother's punch was so good, that there could very well be fifty other wasps all waiting to get some. As he neared the refreshments table, though, he was pleasantly surprised to see that there was no punch line.

[jason]

There's a very strange Nun down my road who keeps putting bits of cuttings of her dress through my letter box on a daily basis. In fact its becoming a bit of a Habit!!!!