Crap Joke No.83840370

[droopsnoot]

Jesus is up on the cross, and he's calling out "Peter, Peter". Word gets back to his disciples, Peter goes to see visit him but unfortunately cannot get past the Roman guard. He tries, and tries, and tries some more, and the guard gets so annoyed with him that he chops off Peter's right arm.

Peter can still hear Jesus calling "Peter! Peter!" so he tries again, and this time the guard cuts off his left arm.

Undeterred, Peter tries some more as he can still hear Jesus calling, though his voice is getting weaker all the time. The guard cuts off Peter's right leg, and then his left leg.

Peter can just about still hear Jesus calling out "Peter! Peter" so he waits until the guard is looking the other way, bounces over to him, head butts him and knocks him out. Overjoyed, he bounces over to the foot of the cross.

"Peter! Peter!" calls out Jesus.
"Yes, my saviour, how may I serve you?" asks an exhausted and badly injured Peter.
"Peter! Peter!" the lord says, then pauses for breath.




"I can see your house from up here".

[PJayBe]

What do the owners of electric cars and people with diarrhoea have in common?

They don't know if they'll make it home.

[Grip]

A couple of weeks ago I met a mate of mine who was out with his new girlfriend, his first in a several months. Then the other day I met him again with another new girlfriend....
I said to him "Your girlfriends are like buses"
He said "I know, nothing for ages then two come along at the same time!"
I said "No, they're like buses"

[droopsnoot]

Barman: That bloke who played the villain in Skyfall came in here last night and started a fight.
Customer: Javier Bardem?
Barman: No, but he's on a warning.

[jason]

My tips for the Grand National are as follows:

Dusty Rug has never been beaten.

Creasote is great over fences

Prawn Cocktail is a good starter

And V Neck is a great jumper.

[HOFT]

When is it okay to beat up a midget ?
.
When he stands next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice.
.