Crap Joke No.83840370

[HOFT]

So, I spent yesterday at the hospital for some routine testing.

They tested my patience.

My chart results just came in......

I'm negative.

.

[droopsnoot]

I bought a load of shares in a company that makes clothing for the clergy - vicars' cassocks, monks' robes, nuns' habits, bishops' mitres, that sort of thing - but the market collapsed and I lost a fortune.

Still, it did say in the small print that the value of vestments can go down as well as up

[droopsnoot]

I'm already bored with my time machine and I've only had it a year.

Probably won't bother getting it.

[PJayBe]

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Israeli on a train. Hot day so the Englishman opens the window and a fly comes in. Quick as a flash he whips out a bow and arrow and pins it to the wall. Taking a bow he says,

"Jack, best archer in London." Another fly comes in and the Frenchman gets out his sword and neatly splits the fly in half. After a bow and a smirk, he says,

"Pierre, best swordsman in Paree." Enter a third fly. The Israeli gets out a dagger and makes a complicated pass around the fly. It falls to the ground, then after a few seconds gets up and makes its way unsteadily out of the window. He turns and bows and says to their confused faces,

"Moses, best circumciser in Jerusalem!"

[droopsnoot]

Bob and his co-workers Susan and Tim went out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday and were sitting together in the restaurant when the waitress came over. She handed them their menus and said, "Good afternoon, welcome to Ruby’s Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?"

Susan piped up, "It's Bob's birthday!"

"Oh well happy birthday! Make sure you save room because you'll get a free dessert!" the waitress replied

Tim and Susan smiled and nodded, but Bob looked a bit confused. He asks her to repeat herself.

"Sure thing, happy birthday! Save room and you'll get a free dessert."

There was a moment of silence and then Bob said, "Vroom, vroom!"

[jason]

I had a bit of a misunderstanding today. I was walking down the road and accidentally trod and slid and nearly fell over in a massive dog turd. I then looked around and a little old lady behind me did exactly the same thing. I then laughed and said to her, oh no are you ok because I just did that! She then became furious and attacked me calling me a filthy pig!!!!

[Palais23]

I had a bit of a misunderstanding today. I was walking down the road and accidentally trod and slid and nearly fell over in a massive dog turd. I then looked around and a little old lady behind me did exactly the same thing. I then laughed and said to her, oh no are you ok because I just did that! She then became furious and attacked me calling me a filthy pig!!!!

Finally, a blague de merde.

[droopsnoot]

I'm selling my pet Python on eBay.

Some bloke just rang up and asked "Is it big?"

I said "It's massive!"

He said "How many feet?"

I said "None, it's a snake!"

[droopsnoot]

As a funeral director, I take every chance I get to tie the deceased's shoe laces together.

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious

[MiB81]

Guy walks in to a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barmaid gives him one.

[PJayBe]

A doctor told me yesterday that if I didn't stop drinking beer I'd end up in hospital.


Mind you, it was his pint.

[jason]

I went to the barbers today and asked him was sort of cut would make me look better. He replied a power cut!!!