Crap Joke No.83840370

[airflamesred]

The man who invented predictive text died last week.

His funfair is next monkey

[Ruby]

Asked for a bag of nails in B&Q. "How long do you want them" asked the assistant. "I'd like to keep them" I said.

[jason]

I had trouble at B & Q as well. One of their staff asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily I got the first punch in!

[Sinister]

I had trouble at B & Q as well. One of their staff asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily I got the first punch in!

The same guy (including black eye) asked me if I wanted flooring so I punched him first aswell!

[jason]

I had trouble at B & Q as well. One of their staff asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily I got the first punch in!

The same guy (including black eye) asked me if I wanted flooring so I punched him first aswell!

Well done mate. Those B&Q staff are so aggressive aren't they!

[droopsnoot]

Just browsing on Amazon for any Black Friday special offers, and I noticed that if you buy the full set of Adam and the Ants sheet music, they'll throw in a stand, and deliver.

[droopsnoot]

I phoned up my fruit machine manufacturer.

I said, "My fruit machine isn't working".

The lady said, "Can you hold?"

I said, "No, it won't even let me nudge".

[droopsnoot]

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer.

I said 'I want to sue the airline'

He replied 'You don't have much of a case'.

[droopsnoot]

Bono had a negative COVID test and was relieved that he’s only got bad catarrh.

“Well tonight thank God it’s phlegm instead of flu....” he said.

[droopsnoot]

I was playing Bonopoly last night.

It's the same as Monopoly, except the streets have no name.

[droopsnoot]

I'm selling my pet python on eBay.

Some bloke just rang up and asked "Is it big?"

I said "It's massive!"

He said "How many feet?"

I said "None, it's a snake!"

[toilerinblack]

BEST ONE IV'E HEARD IN A WHILE.......

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street, he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.
"Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wankhole please you cunt", he says to a somewhat startled barman.

The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs.
"Can I help you sir?" he says
"Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition......wanker."

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.

The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?"

"That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunt's blind..."
"Oh" says the manager...err, can you play me another. Something a little less 'lively'".

"Wanker" interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad that leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
"That little number was called 'Sometimes when you do a bird up the dirtbox you get shit on your bell end'".

"I see" says the manager, "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?"
"Well there's my jazz number 'Do you want me to split your ringpiece',
or there's the epic 'I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs'".

"Look" says the manager interrupting,
"I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little racy. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience".

"Fuck it" says the pianist "Why not".

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd is lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
"Hi" she says.
"Hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?"

Placing his beer confidently on the bar,
the pianist grins,
looks her square in the eye and yells...........
"Know it?" - "I Fucking wrote it!!!"

superb.