Crap Joke No.83840370

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Ian9331
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Ian9331 »

A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
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'Where's my toast?'
Maybe I'll find love when there's nothing to do........
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Five Minutes
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Five Minutes »

Turns out the wife doesn't have Tourettes, she really does want me to f**k off.
Last time I came here a friend of mine just got triple-jacked over a steeplehammer and jessop jessop jessop jessop jessop
Ian9331
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Ian9331 »

EATING IN THE FIFTIES - UK


>* Pasta had not been invented.

>* Curry was a surname.

>* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet

>* Spices came from the Middle East where they were used for embalming

>* Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.

>* A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

>* A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

>* Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

>* The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage,

>* All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.


>* Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were lucky.

>* Soft drinks were called pop.

>* Coke was something that we put on the fire.

>* A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

>* Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

>* A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

>* A Pizza Hut was an Italian shed.

>* A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.

>* Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

>* Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

>* Bread and jam was a treat.

>* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

>* Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

>* Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

>* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.

>* Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.

>* Jellied eels were peculiar to Londoners.

>* Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist

>* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.

>* The starter was our main meal. Soup was a main meal.

>* Only Heinz made beans.

>* Leftovers went in the dog.

>* Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.

>* Fish was only eaten on Fridays.

>* Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

>* Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

>* Ready meals only came from the fish and chip shop.

>* For the best taste fish and chips had to be eaten out of old newspapers.

>* Frozen food was called ice cream.

>* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.

>* Ice cream only came in one colour and one flavour.

>* None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

>* Jelly and blancmange was only eaten at parties.

>* If we said that we were on a diet, we simply got less.

>* Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

>* People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

>* Indian restaurants were only found in India .

>* Brunch was not a meal.

>* If we had eaten bacon lettuce and tomato in the same sandwich we would have been certified

>* A bun was a small cake back then.

>* The word" Barbie" was not associated with anything to do with food.

>* Eating outside was a picnic.

>* Cooking outside was called camping.

>* Seaweed was not a recognised food.

>* Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday

>* "Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.

>* Hot dogs were a type of sausage that only the Americans ate.

>* Cornflakes had arrived from America but it was obvious they would never catch on.

>* The phrase "boil in the bag" would have been beyond comprehension.

>* The idea of "oven chips" would not have made any sense at all to us.

>* The world had not heard of Pot Noodles, Instant Mash and Pop Tarts.

>* Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

>* Lettuce and tomatoes in winter were only found abroad.

>* Prunes were medicinal.

>* Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called cattle feed.

>* Turkeys were definitely seasonal.

>* Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

>* We never heard of Croissants we certainly couldn't pronounce it,

>* We thought that Baguettes were a problem the French needed to deal with.

>* Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour food.

>* Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.

>* Food hygiene was all about washing your hands before meals.

>* Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all called "food poisoning."

>* The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties - elbows.

Phew! That took a while to post!

Hope you enjoyed & more importantly I hope I did not offend anyone.

Ian
Maybe I'll find love when there's nothing to do........
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Alexinblack
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Alexinblack »

Very good mate.
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Five Minutes »

"Tesco Quarter Pounder, please"

"Anything on that, Sir?"

"Yes, I'll have a fiver each way!"
Last time I came here a friend of mine just got triple-jacked over a steeplehammer and jessop jessop jessop jessop jessop
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by theraven1979 »

Like Morrissey said "Meat is Redrum"

Jim
Five Minutes wrote:"Tesco Quarter Pounder, please"

"Anything on that, Sir?"

"Yes, I'll have a fiver each way!"
"I bathed in sun and walked in rain
It taught me how to laugh again"
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Five Minutes »

:lol:
Last time I came here a friend of mine just got triple-jacked over a steeplehammer and jessop jessop jessop jessop jessop
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Alexinblack
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Alexinblack »

theraven1979 wrote:Like Morrissey said "Meat is Redrum"

Jim
Five Minutes wrote:"Tesco Quarter Pounder, please"

"Anything on that, Sir?"

"Yes, I'll have a fiver each way!"
:grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:
Ian9331
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Ian9331 »

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the

place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to

break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone

would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese

man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts

at the top of his voice...

"Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences

in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to

play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult

jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes

the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up

again and shouts...


"No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".


A bit nonplussed by this, Stevie, being the professional

that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation

with his band around the B flat minor chord and really

tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this

impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz

chord, play a Jazz chord".


Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't

seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to

him from the stage "OK smart ass, you get up here

and do it!"


The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold

of the mike, and starts to sing.....



(wait for it...)



"A jazz chord to say I ruv you................."
Maybe I'll find love when there's nothing to do........
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Alexinblack
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Alexinblack »

Thats pretty good mate.
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Burn e 77 »

I bought a Muller Lite yesterday.

It's fuckin' useless, total wank job.

Took it up to the shed last night, still couldn't see a cunting thing.

Burn e 77
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Burn e 77 »

I was halfway through a new recipe, when I read "Now chill in fridge for at least 2 hours".

I only managed 24 minutes. My spliff kept going out and I was fucking freezing.

Burn e 77
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