Crap Joke No.83840370

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gjinblack
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by gjinblack »

The wife says I'm immature and wants us to sit down and have a serious chat... Yeah like that's gonna happen in the middle of the conker season.
euromanc-ometh

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Paul
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

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a man was admitted to A and E after a sex game went wrong, with four toy plastic horses stuck up his bum.
doctors have described his condition as "stable"
....near the nearside window.....

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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by APOLLO79 »

Female lecturer reminds her students about exam tomorrow. "Apart from a death in the family or a nuclear attack I'm not taking any excuses for not taking the exam". Smartarse at the back says, "What if I'm suffering from complete & utter sexual exhaustion?". Class erupts into laughter. When it quietens down she looks at him and says, "Well you'll just have to write with your other hand" :smt005
'Can i have my mic stand back please?You might do yourself an injury and get it stuck in somewhere'

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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by APOLLO79 »

'Can i have my mic stand back please?You might do yourself an injury and get it stuck in somewhere'

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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by sandyinblack »

An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the
wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Lincoln. There, at the cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled to York, Durham and Liverpool In every Cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving the N of England decided to travel to Scotland to see if the Scots had the same phone.
He arrived in Glasgow, and again, as he entered the cathedral , there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read
'50 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Reverend, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same
golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it
only 50pence here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, son .... it's a local call.'
Punk could be the first step towards Utpoia

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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by sandyinblack »

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD (http://savannah.craigslist.org/)

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my
girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across
this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you
took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned
safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my
birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when
pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse
walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your
buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went
and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor
home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window
and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone
for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office
and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment
for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope
that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next
time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
Punk could be the first step towards Utpoia

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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by droopsnoot »

Apparently there's a helpline for Man Utd fans that can't come to terms with the recent defeat. So if you're unable to cope with life, make a note of the number, it's a local Manchester one - it's 0161 61 61 61.
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APOLLO79
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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by APOLLO79 »

A belated 'alloeen Glesga style!


http://archive.flamjam.com/halloween/
'Can i have my mic stand back please?You might do yourself an injury and get it stuck in somewhere'

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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by MANUINBLACK »

The wife gave me £80 and told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.should have seen her face when I came home pissed....
well that was amazing,its taken him all day to learn that bass solo

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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Burn e 77 »

:!: Wot da fuck is this? Note... this remark referred to some "spam" which has since been removed... not to the above joke
Last edited by Burn e 77 on 06 Jan 2012, 00:49, edited 1 time in total.
Something better change!

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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by gjinblack »

Burn e 77 wrote::!: Wot da fuck is this? (above post)
Spam.
euromanc-ometh

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Re: Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Burn e 77 »

gjinblack wrote:
Burn e 77 wrote::!: Wot da fuck is this? (above post)
Spam.
I liked your "Conker" joke mate!
Something better change!

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