Crap Joke No.83840370

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Crap Joke No.83840370

Post by Alias » 04 Nov 2005, 15:50

"An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow".

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing; I asked my wife for help. She tried with her
right hand, then her left nothing; She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out; and still nothing We even called up
Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still
nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't
get the fucken lid off!".

Sorry.
I'm a comedian and poet, so anything that doesn't get a laugh is a poem. B.Hicks.

"Further modulation of the frequency rotation, Triggered waveband activation - near elation"

'Why are you so edgy, kid ?'

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Post by Paul » 04 Nov 2005, 16:55

the doctor went to see George Best and said
"well George, I have some very good news and some very bad news"
George said "tell me the bad news first"
the doctor said "I'm afraid you only have one hour to live"
"Fuck me" said George, "What's the good news"
the doctor replied "it's happy hour"
....near the nearside window.....

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Post by Alias » 04 Nov 2005, 17:01

hehehehe!
I'm a comedian and poet, so anything that doesn't get a laugh is a poem. B.Hicks.

"Further modulation of the frequency rotation, Triggered waveband activation - near elation"

'Why are you so edgy, kid ?'

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Post by custard » 05 Nov 2005, 01:44

BEST ONE IV'E HEARD IN A WHILE.......

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street, he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.
"Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wankhole please you cunt", he says to a somewhat startled barman.

The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs.
"Can I help you sir?" he says
"Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition......wanker."

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.

The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?"

"That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunt's blind..."
"Oh" says the manager...err, can you play me another. Something a little less 'lively'".

"Wanker" interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad that leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
"That little number was called 'Sometimes when you do a bird up the dirtbox you get shit on your bell end'".

"I see" says the manager, "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?"
"Well there's my jazz number 'Do you want me to split your ringpiece',
or there's the epic 'I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs'".

"Look" says the manager interrupting,
"I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little racy. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience".

"Fuck it" says the pianist "Why not".

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd is lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
"Hi" she says.
"Hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?"

Placing his beer confidently on the bar,
the pianist grins,
looks her square in the eye and yells...........
"Know it?" - "I Fucking wrote it!!!"

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Post by Paul » 15 Nov 2005, 19:21

good one!
here's one I just got sent:-

A little boy who's 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a
flattened dead frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep
of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered
it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to
have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm
not leaving until I get it."


The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls
have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said "No".
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making
love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten
minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and
headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the
only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she
just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the
disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the
baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch
it.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go
to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,
have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease.


And he's the b*s*ard who ran over my FROG!
....near the nearside window.....

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Post by Keninblack » 16 Dec 2005, 14:53

Police have now admitted that George Best wasn't actually buried in Belfast and have now conceded that cremating him in Hemel Hempstead was a mistake.

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Post by whinger » 16 Dec 2005, 22:17

got that on my mobile tuther day and nearly killed me.

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its ok for you to laugh.. but from down here you look pretty stupid too

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Post by Highasakite » 17 Dec 2005, 11:03

The creation of a PUSSY
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine.
Created a pussy to their own design.
First was a butcher, smart with wit.
Using a knife he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold.
With a hammer and chisel he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin.
By using red velvet, lined it within.
Forth was a hunter, short and stout.
With a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell.
Threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee.
Touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Seventh came a sailor, dirty little runt.
Who sucked it and fucked it and called it a CUNT!!!!!!!!!

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Post by theraven1979 » 19 Dec 2005, 17:13

A little old lady went into the headquarters of a large national bank one day, dragging a large bag behind her.

She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.

She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.

She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.


The president asked the old lady, "What the heck's the matter with your lawyer?" "Nothing,"

she answered, "Except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00AM today, I'd have the president of this bank's balls in my hand."
"I bathed in sun and walked in rain
It taught me how to laugh again"

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Post by theraven1979 » 25 Jan 2006, 17:04

Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts
talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the smartie says
"Ere, a bunch of us are heading to
that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre,
I always end up getting my head kicked in.
So?" Smartie says. "Don't worry about it,
I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says
"Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me",
and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.
As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having
a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the
table and wipes up his Jelly baby blood. He then turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?"

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are
f** king menthol".
"I bathed in sun and walked in rain
It taught me how to laugh again"

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Post by Dom P » 25 Jan 2006, 23:44

Two penises turn up at the Groucho.
The doorman takes one look and says: "Fuck off!"
The penises look at each other, then the doorman.
The taller one, all seven inches of him, says.
"But we're members."
"I think you guys are going to have to come up with some wonderful new lies, or people just aren't going to want to go on living." -- Slaughterhouse-Five

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Post by Keninblack » 03 Feb 2006, 13:16

But out of season, but here's a Glaswegian Halloween - http://www.flamjam.com/halloween

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