a few light hearted jokes - honest

helgy · Post by **helgy** » 09 Mar 2004, 08:14

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them
back to show off his new flat.
after the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by
the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why,
that's my Talking Clock", the man replied. "How does it work?",
asked the guest. "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong
an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For
f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!"

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing
into bed, when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache". "Perfect,"
her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom
powdering my d*ck with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's
up to you!!!

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she
climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring
you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and
Action Man." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought
Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man,
she fakes it with Ken."

The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked
for a thin and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She
stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her
dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna
get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get ti*ts
too."

Scientist today exhumed beethoven from his grave, when they
opened the coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano
backwards, when asked what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing

Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami
Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day.
The agent goes "Sean, I've got you a job, starts tomorrow,
early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".
Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don't even have a racket."

jeanjacketburnel · Post by **jeanjacketburnel** » 09 Mar 2004, 14:55

This guy goes down on this woman and says"Jesus! That stinks!"
"I know" she replies "it's arthritis".
"Arthritis? In your cunt?"
"No in my shoulder.I can't wipe my arse"

Paul · Post by **Paul** » 09 Mar 2004, 19:07

Q. What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

A. Nothing, you've told her twice.

DannyL · Post by **DannyL** » 10 Mar 2004, 11:36

Q. What would the missus do when she leaves the Women's Refuge?

A. The fuckin' dishes if she knows what's good for her. :D

helgy · Post by **helgy** » 10 Mar 2004, 16:28

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some deodorant for her bottom. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains tothe woman that they don't sell deodorants for bottoms, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container....

"To apply, push up bottom."

Post by **gizzard** » 10 Mar 2004, 19:55

helgy wrote:A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some deodorant for her bottom. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains tothe woman that they don't sell deodorants for bottoms, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container....

"To apply, push up bottom."

:D

Post by **paulinblack** » 11 Mar 2004, 03:43

Thought that was going to be a take on the old Not The Nine O'Clock News Sketch set in a Swedish pharmacy:

Swedish Customer : 'I'd Like some deodorant'
Swedish Pharmacist: 'Ball or aerosol ?'
Swedish Customer : 'No, its for under my armpits !'

Paul